Merry Christmas

Christmas can be a difficult time for retired widows. I’m sure for many of you it’s sad not having your husbands with you. It may feel lonely not having the kiddos to wake up at the crack of dawn. Some may find relief in not cooking for a crowd—and yet feel guilty about that too. For me, it’s all of these things, and still, I make it through.

I wish there were a handbook for being a retired widow. (Hmmmm… should I write one?) I wish there were a chapter on dealing with the immediate loss of a spouse. Another on preparing for retirement. One on loneliness and the urge to call when you know your spouse is no longer there. Other chapters could address the anger, the depression, and the bargaining with God (or the Universe, if you will).

I have a collection of books about losing someone close, but none of them deal with all the issues that face retired widows. The one thing that has helped me through is living through it—and I’ve survived.

I’ve made it through five Christmases, five New Years, five Easters, five Memorial Days, five Fourth of Julys, five Labor Days, five Birthdays, five Halloweens, five Thanksgivings, and five Death Days. The first year was not easy, but each year I learned how to handle the special days.

I still cry on those days, but I know that’s not what my husband would have wanted. He would have wanted me to enjoy not just the special days, but every day—with purpose and intention. He would have encouraged me not to overdo things. I don’t know how many times he said, “Honey, stop. Relax. We are not living in a Hallmark movie.”

I’ve learned that I am not living in a Hallmark movie. So what am I doing on this balmy Christmas day? It’s 10:45 a.m. It’s just my daughter and me. And I am thoroughly content.

Santa did not come down my chimney last night. I didn’t have to put together toys or wrap presents. I made potato salad for the two of us. There’s a small ham in the oven that will be ready at 1:00 p.m. I’m staying in my pajamas. I’ll bake a cake for tomorrow later this afternoon, maybe make some twice-baked potatoes. I’ll straighten up the house and get ready for family and friends to come over tomorrow for a feast.

Now, doesn’t that sound exciting? No? Well, I think that’s the point. I’m doing this on my own—kinda. It’s easier to cry without an audience. Easier to remember the good times. Easier to think about and plan for the future. Easier to be my authentic self.

So how are you doing this Christmas morning? Is your calendar slammed? Are you prepared for the crash that comes after so much activity? Or are you by yourself? Do you relish solitude and live authentically? Your loved one will always be in your heart, and I’m sure they would say to you, “Honey, stop. Relax. We are not living in a Hallmark movie.”

Blessings,
Bethanne